Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
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He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
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And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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