If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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