just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
