well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
