the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
