just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
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