I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Randomize
