Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
