apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
I love having hate sex.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Randomize
