i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
