Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
you inspire me to be a worse person
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
