shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
