just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
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In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
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What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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