Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
this must be what syphilis tastes like
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
