I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Randomize
