I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
My ass is underappreciated
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
