I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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