i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
