It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Randomize
