I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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