someone get that fucking seahorse.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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