I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Just invented taco cereal.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
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