its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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