Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
