If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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