I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
