He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Randomize
