PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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