I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
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