ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
