Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
