oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
