I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
