I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
