Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
