guys are not supposed to queef...right?
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
