In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
