we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
