I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
