my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
