it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Randomize
