you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
