2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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