U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
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