I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
