...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Randomize
