Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
