mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
My vagina just recognized that song.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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