Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
