his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
