she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
