I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
