yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
