I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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