she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
