i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
