Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
