I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
