I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
