yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
