Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
