All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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